Age is Limitless

One of my colleagues will be returning to work from a long 6 months of absence after bringing life into the world. He goes by the name of Naveed. This realisation was spurred on by the fact that half a year has gone by and for the life of me, I cannot pinpoint where it all went to. Time is ticking away and then it dawned on me…I am nearing my 30’s even though I’m a few years off. Holy crap, I’M GETTING OLDER. Note the emphasis on older and not on term ‘old’. I have corrected myself on countless occasions that although the calendar years are going by my spirit shall not age. That is a vow I will make to myself and hopefully it will reflect on the outside too.
 
Being mistaken for a 22 year old brings a smile to my face thanking God and my parents for the good genes. Having said that, it has been quite entertaining getting hit on by younger men and watching their faces turn nine shades of crimson when they find out my true age. The interesting thing is the part where they just don’t care. Maybe there is some male social merit in landing a woman that’s older or just every young man’s fantasy? Another fascinating fact is realising men in their early 20’s are a lot more mature than we have been lead to believe. Self-sufficient, intelligent and hard working. It’s like a new breed of man has been released since the 90’s equipped with chest hair and functional motor transportation. I do know, this does not apply to every post matriculant to hit the city but from my experience it has been a life changer. All my perceptions changed within a few months of being out in younger crowds. Even their activities are a lot more mellowed out and their vast knowledge is a surprise unto its own.
 
I am yet to find something that sets me off or makes me feel old within the company of the ‘youngsters’. The only person paying attention to age and more specifically to my own age…is ME. Years of having my mind infiltrated that it is wrong to ever date or hang out with boys younger than you is a thing of the past. If someone can teach you, inspire you, help you grow your life and mind, has emotional intelligence the size of Jupiter then why not? I have learned that the number of years added to the year on your birth certificate shouldn’t define who you are and who you choose to keep your company with. You should not fear drawing closer to another decade and have that anxiety keep you from living life. So what if you’re unmarried, don’t have any children yet while all your friends are out getting married and popping out rugrats? I am definitely not going to allow that to get me down and prevent me from experiencing all that the world has to offer. Moral of the story: Keep your spirit young and your body will follow. 

Single to Mingle

I have no idea why some people fear being single – almost like we’ve been engrained to think that you need someone by your side to love and be cared for else you’re going to end up old and grey with multiple litters of cats or in my case a pack of huskies. Thus far I have one. Was that maybe a sign to prepare me for my lonely aging single life? Forgive my rolling eyes toward the ceiling. The feeling of being free totally trumps being told what to do, where to go and who to see!
There are so many positives to being on your own which I will highlight below.
 

 
Why being single is great:
 
You get full use of the whole bed.
You don’t have to make an effort.
You don’t have to worry about hurting.
You don’t have to worry about buying Valentine’s crap.
You have freedom, to choose.
Not having to tell someone where you are.
Complete control.
Chance to experiment with who you are and what you like.
Eat what you want.
Do what you want, when you want.
A chance to bond with friends.
Loneliness hurts less.
 

Not to say being in a relationship is daunting. Falling in love is one of the best natural highs a human mind can experience. Oxytocin flooding your psyche with cotton candy and all things fluffy. Leave all that aside for now, singledom breeds room to create your own fluffy feelings. Building your own ledge to stand on and if that wasn’t made strong enough you will fall… head first and end up with bruises. But that is all part of the fun – making mistakes living life and attempting to commit yourself into doing those dares your friends talk you into. It just gives you plenty of opportunity to make sure your ledge is built strongly for the next step out into Nowhere Land.
 
The not knowing, the crazy antics, the good times, the bad times…the sometimes lonely times. If you have a big enough support group of single friends, family and a boss who will accept your honesty of being hung over on a Friday morning and give you scope to fall asleep at your desk, well then I say you will be just fine on your solo path. Cheers to that!
 

No Apologies

I have been told that I am different to the norm. Most of my girlfriends are actually. Each so unique they’re the reason I’m still holding onto hope of a wonderful life. Imagine a world where boys fight with us for not spending enough time with them because we would rather watch the rugby or cricket. Where we go with our ill-fitting supporting jerseys & sneakers instead of skin-showing fashionable items to attract male attention. We actively know what the off-side rule is in soccer and what the hand signals the referees uses during a rugby match. Challenging competing supporters on who the better team is despite knowing the extremely attractive sportsmen by name, surname and nicknames – that is just an extra bonus, the same way males diverted all the attention to the female beach volleyball players during the London Olympics of 2012. Watching Ryan Lochte, Sonny Bill Williams, Eben Etzebeth and Chad Le Clos all doing what they do best is just the icing on the cake, but when we go watch sport it’s like an Adidas advertisement – we’re ALL IN.
 

Choosing trainers over stilettos, sunscreen over a face full of makeup and hitting the beach instead of the malls is something on our standards list. Chasing independence and being self-reliant on all counts are our goals.
Being a tomboy, does not mean we can’t be feminine too. The surprises on many faces when you choose to step out in your heels and paint the town luminous colours, is priceless. For some men, this may seem rather intimidating because what value could they possibly add to our lives if we know about sport, cars and the holy grail of “Bro Code”. I definitely will not change who I am for anyone just because of their own insecurities. There are too many pretentious people out there losing themselves and all that they stand for in order to please others. It all stems from putting other people’s needs and happiness before your own in which you lose yourself. No one else can define you, so be who you truly are and never apologise for it.

Throwing in the Towel

Having limited experience in this body of mine, I have come to trust my gut and feelings to get me through situations. When you wake up with this constant bland feeling inside you, you realise you need to make a choice. To stay and fight or to fly.
To run may seem cowardly, to stay when your inner self is conflicted…even worse.  The ‘unknown’ is the greatest fear to man. I found it difficult to LET GO for that exact reason. Your comfort, your convenience, your reliant pillar being stripped away. You are now left alone, on your own to fend for yourself. All of us have had to make a choice somewhere along the line. Whether it be a friend, a loved one, a parent, a partner, a career…the list is endless.
 
The pain & loneliness is unfathomable. Knowing in your heart you have made the right decision yet making that transition curdles up your insides. When waking up in the morning is more like a self-bargaining decision than a fruitful call to do something brilliant for the day. The sun is shining, birds are singing and here you are wallowing in self-doubt and pity of how you have compromised your own happiness. Friends are there as a support system, all waiting in baited breath for your call to come save you. You want to be saved yet don’t want to burden anyone with your doom & gloom outlook on life. Everyone commends your ‘brave’ choice of stepping outside your circle and making that move from mediocre toward something extraordinary. Hell, even you’re busy giving yourself a pat on the back for gathering the courage to walk on the moon. No one cares to enlighten you on how difficult the shift is. I’m hoping it expires soon because I feel like I am 9 different people in one body. Not knowing, Not feeling, sometimes feeling a little TOO much.
 

Suspecting a bit of bipolar disorder triggers coming on. Social networks of “feel good” quotes and pictures have now become the channel of hope – realising I am not the only one going through such self-brought trauma. I wish there was an expiration date to all of this, that I could use that PVR control to fast forward my life, possibly to the year 2014. For some odd and gut-fuelled reason, I feel that year is going to be a good one. I guess after the stages of:
Denial (no, it’s not real and it’s not happening to ME)
Anger (why the hell did I do this to myself, I am so STUPID)
Bargaining (Oh Lord, Please make this go away)
Depression (someone kill me now, I want to die!)
…lastly comes Acceptance. I am not quite there yet as I am still interchanging with most of the processes above, I am hopeful and comforted in the fact I will get there. I would like it to be sooner rather than later, but if I were able to switch between emotions I wouldn’t be writing about this now.

 
Someone told me today: “let your emotions run their course. Don’t hold anything back for the sake of seeming strong.” I won’t apologise for being strong and I will certainly not apologise for my weak & emotional moments either. Our experiences shape us into who we are and I hope one day I can smile to myself knowing I led a brave and honest life – taking the bullets to my chest so as not to cause harm to anyone else. These decisions, trials and hurt will make me TITANIUM.

L.O.V.E

What is love? (Besides that cheesy one hit wonder track from Haddaway that you find yourself head bopping to)

I feel like I am searching for that numero uno of feelings that knocks you off your feet – that all encompassing, soul uplifting feeling that renders your brain stupid but gives you courage to do anything.

When you see that person’s number pop up on your phone, you smile is so gargantuan that people notice from afar and cannot help themselves to ask: “and now that you’re beaming from ear to ear like the Grinch who Stole Christmas?”
Butterflies in your tummy causing havoc that you need that moment to catch your breath and focus. That top of the world feeling… the kind that Anastacia Steele gets when she spots her Christian Grey.
 

 
Is this world-wind of emotions purely physical? To an extent, in my opinion. You feel it in your core, you can’t just ignore it. It does not go away no matter how hard you try. You use all your might to fight it, but in the end it sticks with you, without you realising.
The only problem I find with this is: The pain and hurt that comes with it when things don’t go the way you plan. The ‘woulda’, ‘shoulda’, ‘coulda’. The rejection, the non-reciprocation, the mistakes, the regret, the self-loathing. The mortal combat your heart and head take on, only to end up having no resolution.
 
In the end of it all: you love, you hurt, you move on. Cycle number #531.
 

Forgiveness

My first blog will be aimed at my first journey which begins today. Being somewhat
extremely impatient and petulant, I am on my way to mastering the art of serenity and forgiveness – not only of others but more importantly, of myself. For all the incredibly insipid mistakes I have made and continue to make over the years. You ask yourself WHY? Why you allow others to make you feel less deserving, unhappy and out of touch with reality? Even though you know you only allow them to make you feel that way, you simply cannot shake the feeling.
 
For-give-ness: to grant free pardon and give up all claim on account of an offense or debt.
I have no clue as to how to grant my soul the ability to find peace. The easiest way is to hate others because it makes me feel better in the end. It is easier to blame, to collect & throw all the stones of hurt back into their faces. All that negative energy weighing you down like a rusted anchor in the sea.
 

The world is beautiful with so much fresh air, we need to let love into our heats. This is my first step into forgiving you for your mistakes and most importantly…to forgiving my own.